Motherfuck Death Row, and Here Comes My Left Blow!

Blargh. I feel yucka. I'm sitting home alone with a headache while everyone else is at the bar having fun. I can't really explain why I feel bad, it's bizarre. I feel kind of insecure with a tad of the lonliness. So I'll type a while and maybe I'll feel better.

So, I (my mom rather) got the letter from Greg's grandmother with the coroner's report on Greg's death. Wait, not the coroner's report, the autopsy report. My mom won't give it to me. She says there is nothing in the report that I don't already know. Asphyxiation, contents of stomach, etc. I don't know how I feel about this. There were no drugs in his system. Oddly enough, that is not at all comforting to me. Maybe if he WAS on drugs I wouldn't feel as if it were so much my fault. I totally feel as if it IS my fault and that weighs heavy on my soul. I mean HEAVY. Anyway, I think I'm going to read it anyway. Closure perhaps? We'll see.

I got accepted to U of T. Fucking weird. Now I have a question. Is there any way to make moving away from my parents any easier than it seems to be (which is not easy at all)? I tell you what, the closer this moving day draws, the more freaking nervous I become. Will Ezra and I continue to get along? What if we break up? What if Ben and Lisa decide that they hate my slimy greasy gopher guts and kick me out on the streets? I'll be forced to panhandle at the Alamo. No one is going to give a white girl spare change when there are so many illegal immagrants roaming about. Seriously though. I'm nervous. I love my parents and see them like a million times a week, so obviously I will miss the fuck out of them.

God I seriously have no friends.

I know you are going to read this Amy, but I have to write it anyway. What is going on with you? I know you are going to say nothing, but you are a COMPLETELY different person. I know you are growing up and discovering yourself and whatnot, but I really feel that you are losing yourself in the process. Ok, yes I am bitter because you never seem to want to see me anymore, but outside of that issue I still feel that you are comprimising who you are. You are losing what makes you such a special person and it scares the shit out of me. I truly love you for who YOU are, not who you are at Hiriam, or with a mohawk. I'm sure you are taking this the wrong way, hell, I would, but believe me, I'm only speaking in your best interest because I love the fuck out of you. You are a kind, sweet and amazing person and although I am extremely sad that I am losing you as a friend, I am even more devestated that you are losing who you are deep down. I love you and only want the best for you. Moosh.

That's all. I'm going to lay down and watch a movie. Horror of course, because it's October and that's all Ezra and I are watching the whole month.

Sigh.