Oh whoa as me...

...not really, but I'm having some mental turmoil of sorts and I guess I just need to sort everything out that's going on in my cranium.

I'm freaking out about moving. First of all, I've saved up a good sum of moolah from working since I was 14 years old and I'm gonna have to crack into that in order to locate the family down to Texas. That is freaky. Any way we go about it, It's going to cost us about 1000 each just to GET down to Texas, with the van (renting or buying is the same cost) and gas and truck stop purchases. Even if I pack the food for the whole ride down there it's gonna cost a boat load. On top of that, what if Ezra can't get a job. It will be no prob for me to find some retail-ass job (hopefully not at Whole Foods, but you go with what you know, I guess), but what about him. You can't exactly work any job with tattoos on your hands and neck. Ugh. The worst "what if" in my list of worries is what if it doesn't work with Ezra and I? I don't live in some happily ever after land where everything is peaches and cream. I've dealt with crushed dreams and relationships before and I know that it can happen. It will more than likely happen. I mean maybe not, we love each other tremendously, but money problems can fuck shit up like nothing else. I have to face the facts that if I'm in Texas and we break up, he's all I have. Ben and Lisa are Ezra's friends first so basically I'm stuck. I've come to realize that I'm not the most friendly person and the fact that I don't have many friends (nor can I stand many people for more than a few hours) has made me open to the vulnerability I have towards Ezra. He is my best friend, and I love to be around him. He never annoys me and always comforts me, most of the time unintentionly, so he is the one who I am around the most. I hate depending on ANYONE for my happiness, but I've found myself ever-reliant on Ezra's presence, I love when I come home from work and he's there and vice versa. I've finally started sharing with him my fears and feelings, in turn, making me open to hurting and all of that junk that comes with being in a relationship with someone. Fuck, I'm scared. I will miss my mother and my work friends. I hate feeling this way. I hate that I'm crying while I'm writhing this and I HATE being scared.

I don't know. I know I have to do this, but I hate how I feel. How unsure I am. I know I'm scaring Ezra and he thinks that I will back out. I won't. I love him so much and want to take this step with him. I had one of those pregnancy scares last week (everyone has them), I got my period, but we talked about having a baby. It wouldn't be so bad. I wouldn't do it, I have too much to look foreward to, career wise, but we COULD do it. Oh, shut up Theresa, everyone thinks that way. Love is nothing but chemicals and pheremones, why does everyone think that their love is real? All love is real, but all love is fleeting. I'm rambling. When you realize that you need someone, it takes a piece of your self-confindence away. Because what would you be left with if they left? A mess. Less of a person. One that you have to rebuild and that takes fucking time. A long time.

I guess I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery.

Blah, I need to go shopping.