Tossin and Turnin all night

Insomnia...
What causes you? I have a theory that when I suffer from insomnia, it is because I have something weighing heavy on my mind. I really haven't been thinking about Greg lately, mostly because I just keep distracting myself from the subject whenever it pushes itself into my cranium. But let's lay the cards on the table right now...
MY EX-BOYFRIEND COMMITTED SUICIDE
probably because of me. Obviously because of me. Do you know what it's like to know that the LAST thought to travel through someone's brain in their lifetime was of you? When a bag was placed around Greg's head and helium or whatever was poured in he was thinking of me. Probably apologizing for what he was about to do to me (because it really was not about him anymore, he was going to die). I know he was crying, and I know he was shaking. I never thought he would do it. The massive amount of guilt I feel is crushing. I know I should go to therapy, but I am avoiding it for whatever reason. I loved this man. And now he no longer exists. I never got to say good-bye in a funeral/closure form or anything. I used to think that was bullshit, why do you need to see some shell of this former person to have a finish to the feelings. I kind of wish there was one for me. It was more like the door was slammed shut in my face and it was over. Time to move on. He wouldn't have wanted a funeral anyway, but hopefully he knew how many people that he crushed with this decision. Especially me. I believed in him. At least I told myself I did. Did I ever really believe in him? That he would turn his awful life around? I don't have the slightest idea. But I wanted for him to find his nitch. He deserved a good life. He never had a chance, really. Doomed from the get-go. I guess I was his only hope out of his hell, and he fucked that up. I moved on. I found another person that made me feel secure. But God, I did love this man. For whatever reason, lost puppy syndrome or what-not, I cared about someone enough to sacrifice every bit of sanity and reason to make a valid attempt to make the relationship work. I knew it wouldn't. For an entire year, I attempted to convince myself that things were going to turn around, that the pills were just going to magically dissapear and he would get (and keep) a job. Finally, he put an end to all of that when he stole my ATM card and extracted 2,000 dollars from my savings account. He did it so I had a reason to escape, whether he knew it or not. The subconscious is a powerful thing.

Well, hopefully with that off my chest, I will be able to sleep. Probably not, tonight was just not made for sleeping I guess...