Money talks, but it can't sing and dance!

So, here are some points I have been pondering...
1) I would have a kick ass body if I were a few inches taller. I think my dance classes stunted my growth. I have a really short torso.

2) I am really happy that Amy is spending the night tonight. I already bought my bottle of vodka and queued up some traxxx to have a dance party to. We decided that we are going to have some riotgrrl fun and make mayhem and be destructo. Wheee!

3) Ezra and I got into an lover's quarrel the other night. Repeat: my boyfriend loves me and is not against me, I do not have to have 35oo barriers up to protect myself from being trampled on. He is on my side. He does not play games with me to make me think that he is being distant. My mind is the one that plays mind games on my mind (uh, what?).

4) I want to have a kid. Bad. Is it because I'm 25 and my clock is ticking? Is it because I got a doggy and I like being a mom? I dunno. Freaky as fuck though.

5) My hair is approx. 60-70% grey. Not that this bothers me a whole lot (thank christ for hair dye), but I'm aweful young for this to be going down. My parents were well into their thirties when they went grey. Curse you cruel world for forcin' me to bear these burdens!!

6) Strangers with Candy movie was sweet. Damn sweet.

That's all I got for now.

The power of Filth compels me!

Sorry about the mondo depresso post. Life just catches up with me sometimes and if you know me I DON'T talk about my feelings ever to anyone. This does help me not to have to look at someone in the eye when I pour my guts out. It really bothers Ezra that I bottle everything up. It upsets him and I feel bad for that, but I despise crying in front of anyone. That's why I wait to talk to him about anything that bothers me until we are lying in the bed, in the dark, ready to go to sleep. That way if I cry, he won't see me do it. I know, I'm weird. You know what else is weird? The fact that my dog takes my dirty underwear out of the laundry basket and licks the crotch. She really is her father's daughter.

Anywho, my weekend consisted of, per usual, work! Friday was good though. Ezra tattooed me and I finally got my John Waters tribute tattoo! It is a pink flamingo with a broken egg rose and a banner that says "filth is forever". Because it really is, forever, it will last my whole life through. I'm gross and not afraid to show it. I never shower, never wash my hair and am a dirty, filthy, naughty little girl. And I have the boyfriend to prove it. And, if you realize it, it really fucking kills to get the inside of your arm tattooed. It was a loverly shade of swollen and purple, so after the flakes peel off and my arm gets down to normal size I will, I repeat WILL take pictures for those who don't have access to my beautiful flesh all of the time. It is pretty sweet, I must say. When Ezra and I go to Baltimore (!) on the 12th of August, I'm going to drop a letter with a picture included off at Atomic Books, so maybe, just maybe, the love of my life will write me back and send me something. Hey, it's worth a shot! After I got my pain inflicted, we went to a family function and had a good goddamn bbq. Yummers. The evening ended with Roza, Ryan, No Serious, Ezra and I watching a special on boobs and watching Best Week Ever drinking Margarita's. Word. The rest of the weekend was work and studying, nothing else.

This week proves to be good though. After my espanol test is the Strangers With Candy movie (yes, I'm trying again, but trust me I will never go to Cedar Lee again)(unless a John Waters flick is playing there). Amy is coming over on Thursday and Kimmie is coming over on Tuesday. Whoopee! And next week are finals!!!!! No more stress, for two weeks at least.

Off I go to school, wish me luck on my test!

If you're hurtin', so am I

So I was driving back from getting a splederific rub down today and Joey by Concrete Blonde came on the radio (My Sirus radio got stolen and I have no CD player or tapes), and I started bawling. See, I really relate to that song because it reminds me of everything I went through with Greg. If anyone out there has ever dated a drug addict, you know how unbearably difficult it is to watch a person you love spiral into a hole so deep that you can't even see their former self anymore. The lyrics of that song really get to me. I have no idea if she is singing about drugs, but it fits me so well. I would have done anything to help Greg. It was so sad seeing him go through something that I could not help him with. Or even understand. I have never been addicted to anything in my entire life, so I had no idea what he was going through.

When she says If it's love you're lookin for/I can give a little more, that is EXACTLY what it's like. Because Greg was looking for love unconditionally, which he has never had before, and I wanted nothing more than to give that to him. But after 34 years of people running out on him and treating him bad, he didn't kow how to recieve it. Drugs took over.

I will never forget the look on his face when he told me he stole my money. He was crying harder than I've ever seen a man cry in my life and was regressing to childlike behavior. Grabbing on me, and holding me so tight. I wanted to die. I wasn't even mad at all, but I knew it was completely over. I felt so bad for him and just held him as I waited for my mother to pick me up from the apartment. After someone wipes out your bank account, how could you not punch them in the face? I don't know.

I wish these memories would go away. But it's all I have of him. I burned everything else after he committed suicide. All I have is this computer that I'm typing on and some random letters at my parent's house. Oh, some stolen dvd's from blockbuster too.

Daddy Gasolina

Oh sweet jesus I am bored as fuck. I really should be studying, but I am having too much fun screaming out things about cock to my roomates.

So I feel really bad about something. Yeah, all that shit that happened with Rob is crappy and now he is going to be part owner of Hooligans b/c the old owner sold it. I feel bad for Ezra b/c he put so much time into that place, and he could have had the chance to have ownership. Now he can't because of me. Granted, we probably wouldn't be together for much longer if he did own a shop (I desperately want to move, and refuse to stick around here for anything/one), but it is a shitty situation that I DO NOT want him to resent me for. Which he doesn't. I'm just an apologetic fool. I always feel bad for shit I can't control.

My life is really crazy right now. Does anyone else ever feel like they can't get a grasp on their own life. I just can't get on top of things no matter how hard I try. I'm like the sweet donkey that has a carrot tied to her head on a stick and she just keeps walkin towards it, hoping she can grab that shit. I can't. My money is out of control, school is out of control, work is out of control. It just sucks. I'm like those dubbed movies that have the lines being said a second after the mouth moves. Alright, alright, enough with the analogies already, you get it I'm sure. The only thing now uber crazy right now is Ezra. Yes Amy Kempe, I know how sick of hearing about the great Ezra you are, but seriously, he keeps me grounded. Through Greg dying, school being crazy and everything, he has been right there, unfaltering support giver that he is. Amazing. It makes me realize that all the stupid shit that he does daily (oh trust me, it is a lot), he deserves getting the best treatment a gal can give her guy. Back rubs and road head galore. Heehee. I'll even buy him some chicken patties and maybe even cook them up for him. Maybe.

Enough with the sappy shit. I'm done being a cheese ball. It is now time to shower (after 3 days) commense doin' the deed.

She's sure fine lookin man, she's somthin' else!

So, here is what is going on in my life:
1. Summer school is kicking my ass. Why did I take two classes this summer when I work full time? Oh yeah, because I'm retarded

2. Work sucks my soul out on the daily. I am so sick of this grind I could squeal. Maybe I will....squeeeeeeee.

3. I am super lonely for some girlfriends. I miss laying in my bed with Amy or Angie and talking celeb gossip and shootin the shit. I need some estrogen STAT!

4. I am really really really in love right now. Like for real. Let me tell you, I've been in some relationships in the past, but this is different. I love love right now, it's treatin' me fine.

5. I have the cutest dog on the planet, a dog that I am majorly obsessed with.

6. I have 10th row seats to see Tom Waits. Fuck yes.

I can't think of anything else. The major thing is that I need some girl time. Karen is home for the summer and we just can't seem to get in sync. Everytime we make plans, something goes awry. It suckies.

Rewind

I'm bringing it back bitches. Seriously this time. I can't help it that I stopped blogging, I honestly don't have time. But I'm going to make time. I really enjoyed blogging...and I slacked off a little. Mostly I stopped b/c Amy came home from college and didn't need to hear my goings on. But I'm back. Better than ever, if you will.

So now I live with 3 boys, 4 cats and a dog. Phew! And P-U too. Cats are fairly stinky. As are boys. So officially I have no time to myself and no space to sprawl. It's cool, I still have Ezra and Hatchie so that's all that I need. Gordon too.

Well, I'm at the jobby job now, so I swear on Gordon's sweet whiskers that I will write a mondo-post tonight. Mark my words.